Racquetball and Motherhood

Racquetball and Motherhood - they seem at first to be an unlikely pairing.  However, there are many more parallels than I would like to admit.  I usually play racquetball twice a week with a group of men, all of whom are better players than me.  I feel out of my league motherhood wise at least twice a week, if not more often.  Most days, I play racquetball hard, give it my all, and still lose.  Every once in a while, I win, usually in doubles, every now and then in cutthroat (3 players) and very seldom in singles.  When it comes to mother hood, every once in a while. I feel like I have a great mommy day, where I gave it my all, my emotions didn't rule me and I was successful in handling Emma's unexpected behavior.  I win more often in parenting doubles as well.  John brings the balance and sense of perspective that  I often lack.  Three player parenting is where we have the most success - remembering to include God in the everydayness of our lives - the mundane and the miraculous.

Every once in a while, on a really bad racquetball day, where nothing goes right, it brings me face to face with my very worst self.  My inner voice tells me to quit, I am stupid (among other things), and I am wasting everyone's time by playing.  I plunge into a downward emotional spiral that easily bleeds over into other areas of my life.  I recognize that voice, but can't always silence it.  I am certain it stems from building my self esteem at an early age from performance, both athletically and academically.  On my worst mommy days, that inner voice would have me believe I am failing miserably, that Emma deserves so much more than I have to offer and so does John, for that matter.

I could walk away from racquetball and at least avoid the confrontations with my very worst self, but it wouldn't really solve anything, just remove the outward circumstance that reveals a soul still so in need of changing, maturing and growing in my dependence on the Lord.  Walking away from motherhood isn't an option.  Even on my worst days I take great comfort  in knowing God knew these days were coming and He still chose me to be Emma's mommy - me - flawed, broken, incomplete, imperfect me. And I do trust Him, even when I don't trust me.

Better days always come, both in racquetball and mothering, when my perspective is right and I am able to enjoy the journey and not worry about keeping score.  I realize anew my identity is Christ, not my performance, whether it be racquetball or motherhood, or a number of other things that I somehow try to use to measure my worth.  I have worth, eternal worth, for one reason alone: because God loves me.  That's it - He loves me.  I can't add to it or take away from it - just learn to accept it and revel in it.  He loves me.

Grandad's Lap

another poem from years gone by that touches on the substance of part of our discussion in Weds night Bible Study.

Grandad’s Lap

one of the best memories

that i hold

is as a three year old

climbing up on Grandad’s lap

while he sat in the rocking chair

he’d wrap me up

in my favorite beach towel –

the pink one with the seahorses on it –

and we’d rock

i don’t remember

whether we talked or not -

it really isn’t important

what i do remember

is the security and love

and well being with the world

i felt

as i sat there

with my Grandad

and we rocked

even now

it’s that picture in my mind

sustaining me

as i bring my hurts

as well as my joys

to You

and climb up on Your lap

and from that perspective

learn what real security

and love are

© 1978 kathy jo schramm

The Pruning Time

Discussion at our weekly women's Bible Study reminded me of something I wrote several years ago.  I decided it might be worthwhile to share it here.

the pruning time

there are times

when i feel

i have to work so hard

and grow so much more

than others

just to be me

i am tempted to rebell

and say it's unfair

and then i remember

You are working

towards perfection

with me

You are working

    not for the moment

    or for the day

  but for eternity

this is

one of those times

there are also times

when i feel i have grown

  so much

and You make me realize

if i am going

to look back to

where i've come from

i must also look forward to

where i am going

and who i am called to be

i get so discouraged

because it looks so far away

so impossible

out of my reach

then You remind me

that the only reason

i've come so far

is also the only reason

i can go on....You

this is

one of those times

i've made

a commitment to grow

and You are showing me

that for healthy growth

there's a need for pruning

it's necessary

to cut back

the places where

scars have formed over wounds

in order for a full blossoming to come

i know You would

have me fall short in nothing

through You

and i thank You

for this time of pruning

@1978  kathy jo schramm

Five Minute Friday - Real

Flawed, humbled, joyful, frustrated, interrupted three times in six words - that is the texture of my life these days - and also unpretentious, authentic, impacting.  Motherhood is the most real life experience I have known, amid a wide variety of life experiences.  Even marriage has not taken me to the deep places within that motherhood has.  I have found and seen some not so nice places within me that I never knew existed, but I have also found a depth of joy, compassion, contentment that I had never known either.  Even on the worst days - there is no where else I would rather be ... (interrupted again as my daughter plays cymbals on my arms..)