Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Of Bad Mommy Days
My only child, a daughter, is two years and nearly five months old, and I know I have had my share of bad mommy days in her short little life. Some of those were just bad days for mommy and some were days mommy was just bad, not the mother I envisioned becoming for so many, many years. We survived a rocky start with breastfeeding. We breastfed for 14 months and have a wonderfully healthy girl. We survived all the immunizations (harder on Mom than Emma, I think). We survived numerous transitions and challenges all along the way. These days we are in the process (emphasis on "process") of potty training. To be honest, I was totally unprepared for how hard it would be for me and how long it would last. Emma has moved through every other transition (move to crib from bassinet, giving up the binky, cross country move...) with such ease that I mistakenly thought she would master the whole potty training thing in two or three months. The unpredictability, the setbacks, the accidents have undone me on more than one occasion. I have joked that potty training has certainly brought out the "poop" in me. I am not joking anymore. I have had to face some ugly things in me - control issues, unrealistic expectations, frustration that becomes anger, inability or unwillingness to control my tongue- all things that transcend my precious daughter and potty training. This just happens to be what revealed the depth of these things lurking in me. I say it has been my undoing, but I am learning to view it all differently. I think perhaps it will be my salvation, at least as a mommy an hopefully as a woman. Seeing these things has humbled me and drawn me to my knees, seeking God's forgiveness, strength and wisdom and asking Him to stay after me, to refine me, to mold and shape me, not only into the mommy I want to be for Emma, but into the woman He designed me to be from the beginning. I guess it is about time, huh?